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CRIME: Sheriff Asks For 13.7% Increase
(Like, let's triple those muggings Lefty, and Spike, I want to see you double up on those purse-snatchings!)

Sex Fund Pledged For Sheriff
(Now he can take his mind off the increase in crime, eh?)

Three Ambulances Take Blast Victim To Hospital
(Wonder which one carried the vital organs?)

Once-Sagging Cloth Diaper Industry Saved By Full Dumps
(But babies were ALWAYS 'dumping'......)

Wanted: Women To Test New Condom
(A unique approach to meeting new women)

Experts Are Sure The Dow Will Either Rise Or Decline
(Well, now I can stop worrying about my investments since the future is so certain....)

Blow To Head Is Common Cause Of Brain Injury
(It took the experts to figure that one out)

Low Pay Reason For Poverty, Study Says
(They needed a study to find THAT out?)

Circumcisions Cut Back
(If you have to cut back, I guess that's as good a place as any to start)

Hemorrhoids Inspire Respectful Hindsight
(Hindsight, maybe....but who could respect a hemorrhoid in the morning?)

You Can Still Bury Grandpa Out Back
(So we don't have to wait until he's dead?)

Mortuary Adds Drive-Through
(Maybe the mourners will beep their horns loud enough to wake the dead)

Teacher Dies, Board Accepts His Resignation
(That's got to be the toughest way to quit a job that I know of!)

City Wants Dead To Pay For Cleanup
(And we all thought taxes ended with death!)

US Says Insect Parts, Rat Hair Are OK In Food
(Gimme An Order Of Insect Parts, Easy On The Fries.....)

Ants Take A Long Time To Cook In Microwave
(Who thought of this recipe, anyway???)

Nudist Group Donates Clothing For Victims
(Well, they weren't using them anyway)

Londoner Fatally Injured By Turnip
(When turnips are outlawed, only outlaws will have turnips)

Man Shot Twice In Head, Gets Mad!
(It's the quiet ones you have to worry about)

Dog That Bit 2 People Ordered To Leave Town
(But did he UNDERSTAND that he had to leave town?)

Police Recover Stolen Hamster, Arrest 3
(Don't you agree that it's time they brought back the death penalty?)

Robber's Description: Man, Possibly A Woman, Definitely Ugly
(But how do you interview suspects without hurting their feelings?)

Court Rules That Being A Jerk Is Not A Crime
(We can all sleep better at night with THAT knowledge!)

Thieves Steal Burglar Alarm
(In case they wanted to catch themselves in the act?)

Terrorist Bought Bomb Parts At K Mart
(Attention K Mart shoppers, plutonium on aisle 9...)

Jury Suspects Foul Play In Death Of Man Shot, Burned and Buried In Shallow Grave
(Like, I guess they didn't want to discount the possibility of suicide)

No Cause Of Death Determined For Beheading Victim
(Maybe stretched vocal chords...?)
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An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he called his grandson to his bed Grandson I wanta you to listen to me. I wanta you to take mya 45 automatic pistol, so you will always remember me.

But grandpa I really don't like guns, how about you leaving me your Rolex watch instead.

You lisina to me, some day you goin a be runna da bussiness, you goina have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple od bambino, some day you goina come hom and maybe finda you wife in be with another man. Whata you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, "TIMES UP"?
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