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You know you are getting older when (Part 1)

- "I just can't drink the way I used to", replaces, "I'm never going to drink that much again".

- 06:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.

- 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.

- A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff".

- A 'late night' now ends at 11 pm.

- About half the stuff in my shopping cart says, "For fast relief".

- All you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

- All your favorite music is in the bargain bin at Wal-Mart.

- An "all nighter" means not getting up to pee!

- At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

- Conversations with people your own age often turn into "dueling ailments."

- Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.

- Eating a basket of buffalo wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.

- Everything hurts and what doesn't hurt, doesn't work.

- Getting a little action means you don't need to take a laxative.

- Getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.

- Grocery lists are longer than macaroni and cheese, diet Pepsi and Ho-Ho's

- Happy hour is a nap.

- Having sex in a twin-sized bed is absurd.

- It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

- It takes twice as long to look half as good.

- It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

- It's tougher to lose weight, because over time your body and your fat are really good friends.

- Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."

- Many of your co-workers were born the same year that you got your last promotion.

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Know Thy Enemy

A knight and his men returned to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asked the king.

"Sire," replied the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, ransacking the towns of your enemies in the west."

"What?!" shrieked the king. "I don't have any enemies to the west!"

"Oh, no..." said the knight. "Well, you do now."
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