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• I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

• I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

• I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

• It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.

• Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

• The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist

• Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental

• I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

• I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

• It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

• Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

• No, my powers can only be used for good.

• How about never? Is never good for you?

• I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me

• You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication

• I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

• I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

• Who me? I just wander from room to room.

• My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!

• At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

• You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

• I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

• Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
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Don't Lie to Mom

John invited his mother over for dinner. During the meal, his mother couldn't help noticing how beautiful John's roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between John and his roommate, and this only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between John and the roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, John volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Julie and I are just roommates."

About a week later, Julie came to John and said, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don't suppose she took it, do you?" John said, "Well, I doubt it, but I'll write her a letter just to be sure."

So he sat down and wrote "Dear Mother, I'm not saying you did take a gravy ladle from my house, and I'm not saying you did not take a gravy ladle. But the fact remains that one has been missing ever since you were here for dinner."

Several days later, John received a letter from his mother which read: "Dear Son, I'm not saying that you do sleep with Julie, and I'm not saying that you do not sleep with Julie. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now. Love, Mom."

Lesson of the day...Don't Lie To Your Mother.
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