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George Carlin Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

6. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

8. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

10. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

11. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

12. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

13. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

14. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

15. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

16. How is it possible to have a civil war?

17. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

18. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

19. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

20. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

21. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

22. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

23. Women are crazy. Men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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Historical Wife

A man complains to a friend, "I can't take it anymore." "What's wrong?" his concerned friend asks. "It's my wife. Every time we have an argument, she gets historical!" "You mean hysterical," his friend said, chuckling. "No, I mean HISTORICAL," the man insists. "Every argument we have, she'll go "I still remember that time when you ...."
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