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George Carlin Quotes

1. Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

2. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

3. If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

4. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman,
"Where's the self-help section?"
She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

5. What if there were no hypothetical questions?

6. If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him... is he still wrong?

7. If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

8. Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

9. Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

10. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

11. Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

12. Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

13. If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

14. Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

15. One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

16. How is it possible to have a civil war?

17. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown, too?

18. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

19. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

20. If the "black box" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole airplane made out of that stuff?

21. Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

22. If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

23. Women are crazy. Men are stupid. The main reason women are crazy is that men are stupid.
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   JOKE OF THE DAY
 
15 Things To Never Say To A Cop


1. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

2. Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

3. Hey, you must have been doin' at least 120 mph to keep up with me...Good job!

4. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical condition to be a cop.

5. I almost decided to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.

6. You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

7. Is it true that people become cops because they're too dumb to work at McDonald's?

8. I pay your salary!

9. So, uh, you on the take, or what?

10. Gee, Officer...that's terrific...the last officer only gave me a warning too!

11. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

12. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there are no other cars around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

13. What do you mean, "Have I been drinking?" You're the trained specialist.

14. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

15. Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 Magnum.
 
   
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