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   JOKE  
 
Everything is free in heaven

A long-time retired, elderly couple were married for over sixty years. Although the man and women were not poor, they were far from being rich. They managed to get comfortably by skimping and watching their pennies.

The elderly man and women were both in excellent health for their age, mainly because of the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise since their sixties.

As fate would have it, the couples excellent health didn't help a bit when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed.

Being the good, honest couple, they wound up in Heaven.

When man and woman reached the pearly gates, they got a welcome from St. Peter who escorted them inside Paradise. First, St. Peter took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. 

A maid could be seen hanging their favorite clothes in the closet. The couple gasped in astonishment while St. Peter said, "Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now."

The old man asked how much money all this luxury was going to cost. 

"How much? Of course, nothing," replied St. Peter. 'You have earned this by being good during your lives and this is your reward: Heaven with all its blessings and luxuries."'

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth.

"I love golf but how much for the greens fee?" asked the old man. "I couldn't afford to play much more than twice a year on Earth."

"Remember, this is Heaven," emphasized St. Peter. "Play as much as you want and every time you golf you get it for free — always on the house, in other words."

Soon they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood, lamb chops, steaks, exotic deserts, free flowing beverages and all the over 200 varieties of wine.

"Don't even ask," said St. Peter to the man. "This is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy"

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?" the old man queried.

"This will amaze you, more than the fact everything is free," stated St. Peter with a smile on his face. "You can eat as much food and drink wine as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat, sick, or really drunk. This is Heaven!'

The old man was still not totally satisfied, "No gym to work out at?"

Not unless you actually want to exercise for the fun of it,' was the answer. 

"No testing my sugar or blood pressure or all the other tests my wife has asked me to do over the last twenty years or so."

"Never again," said St. Peter. "All you do here is enjoy yourself."

At this point, the elderly man glared at his wife and uttered, "You and your fricken bran muffins and all the other healthy stuff. We could have been here fifteen years ago!"
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   JOKE OF THE DAY
 
Have a beer


I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
--Frank Sinatra

The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
--William Butler Yeats

An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
--Ernest Hemingway

Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
--Ernest Hemingway

Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-Catherine Zandonella

Non-Drinker: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
--Ambrose Bierce

Reality is an illusion that occurs due to lack of alcohol.
--Anonymous

Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat hairy girls.
--Timothy Walsh

A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
--Anonymous

What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
--W.C. Fields

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
--Henny Youngman

Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
--Michelle Mastrolacasa

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
--Tom Waits

24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
--Stephen Wright

When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. Sooooo, let's all get drunk, and go to heaven...
--Brian O'Rourke

You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline... it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
--Frank Zappa

Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
--Winston Churchill

Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
--Benjamin Franklin

If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
--Deep Thought, Jack Handy

Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
--Dave Barry

The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
--Humphrey Bogart

Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine.
--David Moulton

Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
--Kaiser Wilhelm

I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet beer.
--Homer Simpson

All right, Brain, I don't like you... and you don't like me, so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
--Homer Simpson
 
   
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